17:48: I feel as if I have start journal-writing again from scratch, so much has changed and I’ve talked myself in and out of so many options — it’s been a surfeit of riches! But Desk is the most satisfactory (I think): immediate simplicity, instant filing on iCloud, access to Tumblr (whether or not I ever use it), an active community, etc. And above all, minimal choices to make whenever I start writing. BUT the whole question of blogging brings up all my worst fears and procrastinations. And, of course I just stopped and bought Notebook, thinking it might be a better option - it isn’t. But it’s exemplary of how my mind works in these stressful writing circumstances: “maybe I can find something better,” “don’t trust one app with your work,” etcetera. But now that I’ve discovered it has a day/night mode as well, I’m pretty much hooked on this. (Why is white on black so much easier on my old, tired eyes? Or is it just the novelty of doing something that never could have been done before (on a typewriter for example).
19:10: I never meant to spend an entire entry discussing one application (or two) Now I have to figure out how to justify the purchase of Notebook… obviously not as a journal, although it does handle full-screen better than this does, but has crowded spacing. Likewise I’ve frittered away the whole day - two naps so far. I think I may have lost the ability for spontaneous, diagonal thought. I just plod straight ahead, seeing only what’s right in front of me. It’s how I’ve survived and avoided being swallowed up by recrimination and grief: put one foot in front of the other, take each problem as it comes, and do not think about why or what’s ahead. But it doesn’t do much for creative, let alone imaginative thinking! One learns to stifle that impulse. The drugs, I think, may have something to do with this, especially the Prozac. But the others too seem to have dampened all my appetites. It’s a little like living in a semi-conscious coma, just for the sake of survival. That’s why I thought it was so urgent to get back to some kind of writing, before all expressivity atrophies.
19:38: I’ve made a second pot of tea, in lieu of thinking about dinner, which has no urgency at all.
23:14: If I add more to this page, will it be automatically added to the blog entry? Only one way to find out...